Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversation A discussion between two people when (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong

Time to listen. Ask them to tell you their story and be sincere! Be a Mirror for them so they can see the emotions they are showing you. Paraphrase what they told you so you are clear on what they are saying to avoid misunderstandings. When needed, Prime the conversation to get it flowing. Use your ABC's when proceeding with the dialogue. Point out where you Agree with each other, Build on the agreements, and Compare where you disagree.

Use these steps when you are entering into a dialogue over potentially crucial topics.

Start with Heart Learn to Look Make it Safe Master My Stories STATE My Path Explore Others' Paths Move to Action

If you are stuck in silence or violence, it's time to analyze your reaction. - Retrace your path by noticing your own behavior, get in touch with your feelings, evaluate your own story, get back to the facts, and watch for clever stories. Are you playing the victim? Are you making someone else the villain? Or are you helpless to any other option? - Tell the rest of the story. What is your role? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

References: Crucial Conversations Book – VitalSmarts. Retrieved from <a href="https://www.vitalsmarts.com/resource/crucial-conversations-book">https://www.vitalsmarts.com/resource/crucial-conversations-book</a>/ Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., &amp; Switzler, A. (2012).&nbsp;Crucial&nbsp;conversations, Tools for talking when stakes are high.&nbsp;New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Style Under Stress Assessment – VitalSmarts. Retrieved from <a href="https://www.vitalsmarts.com/styleunderstress">https://www.vitalsmarts.com/styleunderstress</a> All images from Bitmoji

Look for the signs that show when the conversation is turning south and is no longer a safe discussion. When you or the other person starts to get upset/defensive (violence) or quiet/withdrawn (silent), you are in a crucial conversation. Learn your <a href="https://www.vitalsmarts.com/styleunderstress">style under stress</a> and be aware of when this happening to you. Remember: only you can control you!

Now it's time to decide what you are going to do about the dialogue. You need to determine how you are going to come to an agreement; will it be a command, consultation, vote, or will you come to a consensus? No matter what you decide, be sure to finish clearly! Make sure everyone knows who is doing what and by when. Record these commitments and follow-up with them to hold people accountable.

Crucial Conversations: How to Navigate Emotional, High-Stakes, Opinionated Discussions

Adapted from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High By Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, &amp; Switzler

Once you've analyzed your behavior and you are ready to begin dialogue again, remember to STATE your path.

- Share your facts - no opinions here! - Tell your story - what conclusion did you draw from the facts. - Ask for other's path - what is their side of the story? Ask for their facts and story. - Talk tentatively - no demands, only what you are thinking/feeling. - Encourage testing - look for the view of others. What do they think?

It's important to realize that it takes training to be able to remember all the steps for this process, especially in heat of the moment. You may want to start with two key principals; Learn to Look and Make it Safe. Recognize when the discussion has become critical and take steps to make the other person feel safe to share their thoughts and feelings.

There are three reactions a person can have to a crucial conversation. They can avoid it, handle it poorly, or handle it well. Be the person that handles it well.

Take a deep look inside yourself and focus on what you really want. Remember, only you can control yourself! 

When you feel you are entering into a crucial conversation, ask yourself the following questions: - What do I want for myself? - What do I want for others? - What do I want for the relationship?

Look for the AND: What don't you want and what do you want? Think of healthy options and begin your dialogue.

Crucial conversations occur on a daily basis at home, work, and everywhere in between. It's vital to be able to recognize when you are in one before it's too late and the situation becomes uncomfortable. It's important to keep the dialogue going so you can reach an understanding instead of more confusion and hurt feelings.

Dialogue The free flow of meaning between two or more people

When tempers flare and dialogue has stopped, it's because people don't feel safe to continue the discussion. It's time to make it safe for everyone.

- Step out; cool off, but come back to the topic! - Determine what is at risk; mutual purpose or mutual respect? - Apologize when appropriate (for the misunderstanding, not for having feelings). - Fix misunderstandings. - Create a mutual purpose (CRIB). + Commit to seek mutual purpose. + Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. + Invent a mutual purpose. + Brainstorm new strategies.

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