Letters to Pandora

by SHARON XU

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“I have dreamt in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind. And this is one: I'm going to tell it - but take care not to smile at any part of it.”

― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
It is a Curious Thing, to be Loved by Eros
It is a Curious Thing, to be Loved by Eros
Some days, I am a hollowed-out piece of wood—a marionette with its strings wrung high, dancing at the whim of my puppeteer. There is a sense of tranquillity that cannot be replaced, as I go through the everyday motions. I laugh and smile and skip; I pirouette through conversations and sing until I can no longer breathe. I write and write about love, but words cannot replicate a feeling. I have never experienced it, so I wait patiently for mine to come. 
I can only speculate that when it happens, your mind is filled with ecstasy. There are wings that unfurl from your back, and you become an earth-bound angel. Your eyes fill with tears that roll slowly down your cheeks, blurring the realities between joy and grief. 
Perhaps that is not love, but suffering. I imagine love to be an orchid flourishing through the cracks of a rusting train track—its petals scalding in the heat and wilting with the frost. He hands me a singular blossom, and we walk together through the narrow alleyways in comfortable silence. I imagine that it is unconditional and pure. Something that is both simple and layered with comfort. 
I have been told that love hurts, but if it brings so much pain, why do so many willingly hurl into its depths—drowning and drowning again? Your lungs fill and expand with murky seawater. It implodes your body and engulfs your brain. Your throat is dry and saturated with salt—you are choking on coal and soot. Their heart harmonizes with yours as though there is a metronome wedged within your souls, and it ticks away until you can no longer differentiate between yours and his. 
They say that love is blind. They say that you have a better chance of gouging out your eyes and feeding them to the crows than to see clearly. They say he’ll rip your heart to shreds and strike a branding iron to your chest. Your flesh will char and melt, but your mind will continue to be muddled with nectar and roses. 
If love is so cruel, then I must say I prefer death. 
Hermes on His Way to Deliver a Billet-Doux
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