A Parents' Guide to the Middle Years
A project by Katherine Grove, MA, NCC, Professional School Counselor
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Dear Middle School Parents,Year after year my colleagues and I host many difficult conversations with students and with parents about mental health, substance abuse, online safety, healthy relationships, harassment, drug and alcohol use, and so much more.
I decided to pour our collective knowledge into this middle school guide to help you walk you through some of the biggest challenges during the middle years and help you navigate some of the bigger risks and safety issues before they even arise.
While most of this guide is based on research, much of it is also based on our personal experience and what we have found to be best practices to getting through the middle years successfully and safety.
Katherine Grove, MA, NCC
Professional School Counselor
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Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict-
Friendship and Conflict Resolution
Friendship and Conflict Resolution
Aggressive: Being demanding, hostile, rude and insensitive to the rights of others. People who use an aggressive style to conflict frequently intimidate others into doing what they want and are frequently disrespectful.
Passive Aggressive: Using a combination of passive and aggressive behaviors. Passive-aggressive responses are typically trying to "show" one thing (being nice) and do another (talking bad about people because they are really angry with them).
Assertive: Being direct, honest and appropriate while stating one's thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Those who use an assertive style of conflict resolution take care of themselves while simultaneously respecting others.
Passive: Frequently giving into other's wishes in order to prevent conflict. People who act passively often do not express their thoughts or feelings or stand up for themselves.
Passive Aggressive: Using a combination of passive and aggressive behaviors. Passive-aggressive responses are typically trying to "show" one thing (being nice) and do another (talking bad about people because they are really angry with them).
Assertive: Being direct, honest and appropriate while stating one's thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Those who use an assertive style of conflict resolution take care of themselves while simultaneously respecting others.
Passive: Frequently giving into other's wishes in order to prevent conflict. People who act passively often do not express their thoughts or feelings or stand up for themselves.
Responses to Social Conflict
The middle years are wrought with "drama". Conflict is a normal part of life and learning how to work through it is a huge part of the middle years. Being able to be assertive and maintaining strong boundaries while showing humanity and kindness is a skill that takes a long time to develop.
At school, we work with students in pairs and groups in 6th grade to mediate their restorative conversations and help them find the right words and physical cues to have a face to face conversation and work through their conflict.
As our students get older and approach high school, we back off a little at a time, coaching them on what they might say, what the other's response might be and even role playing.
Ideally, by the time our students leave for high school, they've experienced some guided "hard" conversations and are able to feel a little more confident assertively approaching situations with peers, family members, and teachers in high school.
At school, we work with students in pairs and groups in 6th grade to mediate their restorative conversations and help them find the right words and physical cues to have a face to face conversation and work through their conflict.
As our students get older and approach high school, we back off a little at a time, coaching them on what they might say, what the other's response might be and even role playing.
Ideally, by the time our students leave for high school, they've experienced some guided "hard" conversations and are able to feel a little more confident assertively approaching situations with peers, family members, and teachers in high school.
Field, Kolbert, Crothers, Hughes; 2009
Almost all middle schoolers experiment with "dating" at some point during their three years. While this may not mirror dating that older teens and adults engage in, it still feels very real to them.
It's important that the adults in their lives ask about relationships nonjudgmentally in order to gauge whether the relationship is healthy or if it has the potential to be toxic or abusive.
Modeling calm communication, fair fighting and mutual respect through our relationships as adults can be tough as we often make mistakes ourselves.
Additionally, its important to start early, helping children notice and recognize red flags. It helps to point it out in books, or pause a movie or tv show to ask your child- "What do you think about their relationship? What makes it healthy or toxic?"
*In DPS, 8.5% of teens report they dated or went out with someone who intentionally, physically hurt them and over 17% identified being in a relationship that was emotionally abusive.
It's important that the adults in their lives ask about relationships nonjudgmentally in order to gauge whether the relationship is healthy or if it has the potential to be toxic or abusive.
Modeling calm communication, fair fighting and mutual respect through our relationships as adults can be tough as we often make mistakes ourselves.
Additionally, its important to start early, helping children notice and recognize red flags. It helps to point it out in books, or pause a movie or tv show to ask your child- "What do you think about their relationship? What makes it healthy or toxic?"
*In DPS, 8.5% of teens report they dated or went out with someone who intentionally, physically hurt them and over 17% identified being in a relationship that was emotionally abusive.
Healthy and Toxic Relationships
Bullying
What can parents do to support-
* Support your child in understanding options other than retaliation.
* Speak with your grade level dean or counselor to get a better understanding of the whole situation.
* Talk with your child about what they can control while the situation is ongoing.
* Continuing to have conversations around healthy communication, relationships, and speaking assertively.
* Support your child in understanding options other than retaliation.
* Speak with your grade level dean or counselor to get a better understanding of the whole situation.
* Talk with your child about what they can control while the situation is ongoing.
* Continuing to have conversations around healthy communication, relationships, and speaking assertively.
Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.
The bullied individual typically has trouble defending him or herself and does nothing to “cause” the bullying.
Cyberbullying is verbally threatening or harassing behavior conducted through such electronic technology as cell phones, email, social media, or text messaging.- American Psychological Association
The bullied individual typically has trouble defending him or herself and does nothing to “cause” the bullying.
Cyberbullying is verbally threatening or harassing behavior conducted through such electronic technology as cell phones, email, social media, or text messaging.- American Psychological Association
We have the obligation as parents and educators to support our middle years children in building their confidence to become upstanders. Good citizens are those who stand up for the marginalized and who create safer environments for all.
To boot, over half of bullying behavior stops when a PEER intervenes.
To boot, over half of bullying behavior stops when a PEER intervenes.
Queen Bees and Wannabes, Wiseman, 2009
Parents- What can you do?
Contact a dean or counselor if you are concerned the conflict may be bullying behavior. Also, encourage your student to reach out to a staff member to advocate for supports when they feel they need them.
Talk through and role play potential situations with your child. Help them understand other possible perspectives. Support them as they think through and verbalize what they might do and what they can control in that situation.
Model healthy and open communication in your relationships and aim for healthy communication with your child. Speak openly about what red flags to watch for in relationships to avoid toxic or dangerous situations.
Discuss and frequently revisit the differences in Assertive, Aggressive, Passive Aggressive and Passive with regards to conflict resolution. Use examples from your own life, tv, movies, books, etc. to talk about what characters did, what they could have done differently, and how the results might have changed.
Use monitoring software and tell your child that you will be monitoring their social media usage as well as their messaging (if you allow this at all). Keep an eye out for bullying type behavior online and in chats.
Technology, Phones and Social Media
Before all... Safety.
- Over 27% of teens receive sexually explicit texts or DMs (direct messages).
- 1 in 7 teens receives some sort of online solicitation and close to 30% agree to meet in person.
- Many photos sent to friends through text or apps are forwarded or uploaded to other sites without the author's permission or knowledge.
- Blue light emitted from screens decreases melatonin production and can cause insomnia.
- Frequent and/or unlimited use of high dopamine screen activities (social media, surfing, video games, etc.) can lead to more dangerous high dopamine activities (ie drugs, alcohol, etc.).
- There are numerous links between the use of social media and depression.
- Graphic pornography is widely available. Various statistics indicate about half of teens are seeking out pornography intentionally and regularly.
https://www.psycom.net/teen-sexting
https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-teenagers-and-sleep/
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/kids-action/articles/teens-are-watching-pornography-and-its-time-to-talk-about-it
https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-teenagers-and-sleep/
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/kids-action/articles/teens-are-watching-pornography-and-its-time-to-talk-about-it