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josh lynn bass lll
dedicated to my mom, Elaine
The Never Ending Fight
dedicated to my mom, Elaine
The Never Ending Fight
My life is so messed up. No father figure, dad left when I was young for unknown reasons. Mom never paid any attention to me, so my sister took the role of a parental figure.. I tried to understand why my life was in such a way it was now, but at the time I was too young to understand properly. My sister got tired of our mother and decided to leave for a better life with my grandparents, however, I decided to give her a new start.I felt and still feel bad for my mom, but before I get into that whole mess, let's give you even more background.
When I was young, like I said, my dad left. After that, we moved in with our grandparents to recover. My mom got back on her feet and decided that she could get remarried. Now I thought that Jason, “my step dad” was a nice guy. He started out nice, but after a while he was starting to show his true colors. He was really not ready for children. We were just average children, my sister and me, with the basic needs of our parents to help get us onto our feet. However, Jason had other plans. He completely ghosted us, and acted when we were not even there, and when he did notice us, those were the bad times. When I would get in trouble at school or with my family, he would punish me. But he did not know how to punish. The only way he knew was violence. He would drag me down the stairs and beat me with his belt until I would get bruised beyond belief. One time making me bleed. But the thing I kept in mind the whole time was that I swore he would never touch my sister. Cause if he did i would beat him back. Now this continued for about 4 years and finally I had enough of this. On my 10th birthday I decided to give Jason a piece of my mind. I took my bat I had outside and tried swinging it at him, but I missed because I could not bring myself to hit him. I felt too bad, I thought out of any sort of bad, there is still the light. I dropped the bat and he pinned me to the floor. He put his knee on my left leg and fractured it by accident. As soon as I writhed in pain and started screaming, he let go, I tried saying I’m sorry I’m sorry but he immediately left. I went to the hospital later that night and they said that I fractured my bone, they said it's nothing serious but I should lay down for a few days so it can heal properly. And after Jason left, my mom filed for divorce once more. She now is living on her own.
When I was young, like I said, my dad left. After that, we moved in with our grandparents to recover. My mom got back on her feet and decided that she could get remarried. Now I thought that Jason, “my step dad” was a nice guy. He started out nice, but after a while he was starting to show his true colors. He was really not ready for children. We were just average children, my sister and me, with the basic needs of our parents to help get us onto our feet. However, Jason had other plans. He completely ghosted us, and acted when we were not even there, and when he did notice us, those were the bad times. When I would get in trouble at school or with my family, he would punish me. But he did not know how to punish. The only way he knew was violence. He would drag me down the stairs and beat me with his belt until I would get bruised beyond belief. One time making me bleed. But the thing I kept in mind the whole time was that I swore he would never touch my sister. Cause if he did i would beat him back. Now this continued for about 4 years and finally I had enough of this. On my 10th birthday I decided to give Jason a piece of my mind. I took my bat I had outside and tried swinging it at him, but I missed because I could not bring myself to hit him. I felt too bad, I thought out of any sort of bad, there is still the light. I dropped the bat and he pinned me to the floor. He put his knee on my left leg and fractured it by accident. As soon as I writhed in pain and started screaming, he let go, I tried saying I’m sorry I’m sorry but he immediately left. I went to the hospital later that night and they said that I fractured my bone, they said it's nothing serious but I should lay down for a few days so it can heal properly. And after Jason left, my mom filed for divorce once more. She now is living on her own.
My life is so messed up. No father figure, dad left when I was young for unknown reasons. Mom never paid any attention to me, so my sister took the role of a parental figure.. I tried to understand why my life was in such a way it was now, but at the time I was too young to understand properly. My sister got tired of our mother and decided to leave for a better life with my grandparents, however, I decided to give her a new start.I felt and still feel bad for my mom, but before I get into that whole mess, let's give you even more background.
When I was young, like I said, my dad left. After that, we moved in with our grandparents to recover. My mom got back on her feet and decided that she could get remarried. Now I thought that Jason, “my step dad” was a nice guy. He started out nice, but after a while he was starting to show his true colors. He was really not ready for children. We were just average children, my sister and me, with the basic needs of our parents to help get us onto our feet. However, Jason had other plans. He completely ghosted us, and acted when we were not even there, and when he did notice us, those were the bad times. When I would get in trouble at school or with my family, he would punish me. But he did not know how to punish. The only way he knew was violence. He would drag me down the stairs and beat me with his belt until I would get bruised beyond belief. One time making me bleed. But the thing I kept in mind the whole time was that I swore he would never touch my sister. Cause if he did i would beat him back. Now this continued for about 4 years and finally I had enough of this. On my 10th birthday I decided to give Jason a piece of my mind. I took my bat I had outside and tried swinging it at him, but I missed because I could not bring myself to hit him. I felt too bad, I thought out of any sort of bad, there is still the light. I dropped the bat and he pinned me to the floor. He put his knee on my left leg and fractured it by accident. As soon as I writhed in pain and started screaming, he let go, I tried saying I’m sorry I’m sorry but he immediately left. I went to the hospital later that night and they said that I fractured my bone, they said it's nothing serious but I should lay down for a few days so it can heal properly. And after Jason left, my mom filed for divorce once more. She now is living on her own.
When I was young, like I said, my dad left. After that, we moved in with our grandparents to recover. My mom got back on her feet and decided that she could get remarried. Now I thought that Jason, “my step dad” was a nice guy. He started out nice, but after a while he was starting to show his true colors. He was really not ready for children. We were just average children, my sister and me, with the basic needs of our parents to help get us onto our feet. However, Jason had other plans. He completely ghosted us, and acted when we were not even there, and when he did notice us, those were the bad times. When I would get in trouble at school or with my family, he would punish me. But he did not know how to punish. The only way he knew was violence. He would drag me down the stairs and beat me with his belt until I would get bruised beyond belief. One time making me bleed. But the thing I kept in mind the whole time was that I swore he would never touch my sister. Cause if he did i would beat him back. Now this continued for about 4 years and finally I had enough of this. On my 10th birthday I decided to give Jason a piece of my mind. I took my bat I had outside and tried swinging it at him, but I missed because I could not bring myself to hit him. I felt too bad, I thought out of any sort of bad, there is still the light. I dropped the bat and he pinned me to the floor. He put his knee on my left leg and fractured it by accident. As soon as I writhed in pain and started screaming, he let go, I tried saying I’m sorry I’m sorry but he immediately left. I went to the hospital later that night and they said that I fractured my bone, they said it's nothing serious but I should lay down for a few days so it can heal properly. And after Jason left, my mom filed for divorce once more. She now is living on her own.
She now is living on her own. My family left to find a home but my sister decided to go to my grandparents, now it was just me and my mom.
This should now bring you up to date on the story. Me and my mom had a good start, solid school, good friends, I thought I had it all. But I would still get sad when I saw kids play with their dads, playing ball. Those memories became in-seared in my memory. My mom, like I said , would not pay attention to me and give me tips on life. I was like a kid on crutches being thrown to the wilderness. I had no backbone to anyone or anything and was easily picked on as a kid. My mom and I were so separated that I decided to move in with my grandparents.
Now by this time I was scared of any discipline that was handed out, so I developed my fighting skills, not physically but mentally, I could argue so much sometimes it would go all night. But what my grandparents didn't know was that in those fights I was not fighting them, I was fighting myself, thus the title, the continuous fight. Every fight I would come home to I would fight myself. I imagined these fights to be like a dream, I woke up in pitch black and saw a mirror. I would look into it and see the man I thought I would never become, Jason. He copied my every move, like my reflection. Then I stopped moving, and Jason grinned. I froze colder than the arctic and started running. I could hear glass breaking, my heart pounding faster than a cheetah. I was panting so hard I felt my heart in my throat. I looked back and saw him right on my tail, then I tripped. He started punching me and hurting me, I tried to fight back but it was useless, and just when I felt I could not last another blow, I woke up, out of breath.
This happened night after night for the past 2-3 years until I met God. God has been my mentor ever since. And he told me one thing. Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget, forgive and forget. That drills in my head, even more than the other memories. When I got my first phone, I messaged Jason's phone number and said I forgive you. After I immediately erased that phone number from my phone, now did he see it?
This should now bring you up to date on the story. Me and my mom had a good start, solid school, good friends, I thought I had it all. But I would still get sad when I saw kids play with their dads, playing ball. Those memories became in-seared in my memory. My mom, like I said , would not pay attention to me and give me tips on life. I was like a kid on crutches being thrown to the wilderness. I had no backbone to anyone or anything and was easily picked on as a kid. My mom and I were so separated that I decided to move in with my grandparents.
Now by this time I was scared of any discipline that was handed out, so I developed my fighting skills, not physically but mentally, I could argue so much sometimes it would go all night. But what my grandparents didn't know was that in those fights I was not fighting them, I was fighting myself, thus the title, the continuous fight. Every fight I would come home to I would fight myself. I imagined these fights to be like a dream, I woke up in pitch black and saw a mirror. I would look into it and see the man I thought I would never become, Jason. He copied my every move, like my reflection. Then I stopped moving, and Jason grinned. I froze colder than the arctic and started running. I could hear glass breaking, my heart pounding faster than a cheetah. I was panting so hard I felt my heart in my throat. I looked back and saw him right on my tail, then I tripped. He started punching me and hurting me, I tried to fight back but it was useless, and just when I felt I could not last another blow, I woke up, out of breath.
This happened night after night for the past 2-3 years until I met God. God has been my mentor ever since. And he told me one thing. Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget, forgive and forget. That drills in my head, even more than the other memories. When I got my first phone, I messaged Jason's phone number and said I forgive you. After I immediately erased that phone number from my phone, now did he see it?