Connections From The Heart
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"And then I realized that it was fear—fear that no one would ever truly understand me and move every part of me. The only relationships I'd ever known felt like bargaining and settling: bargaining for space to be free, settling for a partner who didn't wonder what I was up to. I wanted someone to see all of me, the good and the bad." Loading...
Page 145, We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra HabibPerceive Me
I want to be seen. I want someone kind to perceive
me
and not for it to be a figment of my mind to
perceive me.
I want to be understood, the way the days and
nights
respect their rhythm. Our souls combined to
perceive me.
I want to be accepted for every corner of my
being, where
the darkest parts of myself gather, not resigned to
perceive me.
I want to know the warmth and scorch of the spark
titled firework. An intimate interaction designed to
perceive me.
I want to shout until I get an answer from above
And know: I will not be the only one assigned to
perceive me.
me
and not for it to be a figment of my mind to
perceive me.
I want to be understood, the way the days and
nights
respect their rhythm. Our souls combined to
perceive me.
I want to be accepted for every corner of my
being, where
the darkest parts of myself gather, not resigned to
perceive me.
I want to know the warmth and scorch of the spark
titled firework. An intimate interaction designed to
perceive me.
I want to shout until I get an answer from above
And know: I will not be the only one assigned to
perceive me.
I want to be seen. I want someone kind to perceive
me
and not for it to be a figment of my mind to
perceive me.
I want to be understood, the way the days and
nights
respect their rhythm. Our souls combined to
perceive me.
I want to be accepted for every corner of my
being, where
the darkest parts of myself gather, not resigned to
perceive me.
I want to know the warmth and scorch of the spark
titled firework. An intimate interaction designed to
perceive me.
I want to shout until I get an answer from above
And know: I will not be the only one assigned to
perceive me.
me
and not for it to be a figment of my mind to
perceive me.
I want to be understood, the way the days and
nights
respect their rhythm. Our souls combined to
perceive me.
I want to be accepted for every corner of my
being, where
the darkest parts of myself gather, not resigned to
perceive me.
I want to know the warmth and scorch of the spark
titled firework. An intimate interaction designed to
perceive me.
I want to shout until I get an answer from above
And know: I will not be the only one assigned to
perceive me.
Letters to Love
Two Sides, Same Story
Two Sides, Same Story
I feel like I am in love
Or as close to it as anyone can be.
Could it be possible that
somebody is there for me?
Minutes become months
And the affection has not gone away
All thoughts turn to him. My mind attuned to him.
I fear losing the connection one day.
Or as close to it as anyone can be.
Could it be possible that
somebody is there for me?
Minutes become months
And the affection has not gone away
All thoughts turn to him. My mind attuned to him.
I fear losing the connection one day.
I have never felt loved
Not to any romantic degree.
Could it be possible that
nobody will incite a light in me?
Time ticks onward
And I have no pretty passions to convey
My mind misses myself. Who I used to be when
my apathy for love did not bother me each day.
Not to any romantic degree.
Could it be possible that
nobody will incite a light in me?
Time ticks onward
And I have no pretty passions to convey
My mind misses myself. Who I used to be when
my apathy for love did not bother me each day.
I feel like I am in love
Or as close to it as anyone can be.
Could it be possible that
somebody is there for me?
Minutes become months
And the affection has not gone away
All thoughts turn to him. My mind attuned to him.
I fear losing the connection one day.
Or as close to it as anyone can be.
Could it be possible that
somebody is there for me?
Minutes become months
And the affection has not gone away
All thoughts turn to him. My mind attuned to him.
I fear losing the connection one day.
I have never felt loved
Not to any romantic degree.
Could it be possible that
nobody will incite a light in me?
Time ticks onward
And I have no pretty passions to convey
My mind misses myself. Who I used to be when
my apathy for love did not bother me each day.
Not to any romantic degree.
Could it be possible that
nobody will incite a light in me?
Time ticks onward
And I have no pretty passions to convey
My mind misses myself. Who I used to be when
my apathy for love did not bother me each day.
My Friend
He called me on the phone the other day and I almost didn’t answer. I mean, there wasn’t really any particular reason why I didn’t feel like picking up. Sometimes, phone calls stress me out. Who knows why? It’s weird ‘cause being with him in-person doesn’t. Face to face I can play off of his energy. Visual cues and all that. Maybe it’s like the awkward pauses as you both try to think of what to say. Or the fact that phone calls are usually unexpected, and most of the time when I hear that ring, my brain immediately goes into negative mode. But I did answer. I shouldn't have.
In this case, it was one of those moments where the thing you worry about does happen. I thought things between us, Kenny and I, were fine. Coming from me, I guess, that’s not saying much. He didn’t necessarily attack me, no—that’s not what Kenny does—but as soon as I hit answer and he started speaking (pause), I knew something was wrong. There was a hint of hostility in his voice, a tone that didn’t quite match the pleasantries we exchanged at the beginning of the conversation.
In this case, it was one of those moments where the thing you worry about does happen. I thought things between us, Kenny and I, were fine. Coming from me, I guess, that’s not saying much. He didn’t necessarily attack me, no—that’s not what Kenny does—but as soon as I hit answer and he started speaking (pause), I knew something was wrong. There was a hint of hostility in his voice, a tone that didn’t quite match the pleasantries we exchanged at the beginning of the conversation.
The first thing I asked was, “Why are you calling me?” Which isn’t antagonistic, that’s just how I am. People need reasons to do things. Kenny either needed to tell me about some drama in his life that he wanted my opinion on, out of all people, or he had a problem… with me.
He kinda evaded the question, which was a bad sign, because usually people don’t put off good news, in fact, it’s pretty difficult to keep good things under wraps. Kenny wasn’t hiding any secrets from me, he was just bottling up his emotions toward me. And no, not in a romantic way. No one likes me like that. People usually stay clear of me.
We caught up for a bit; he had a lot more to share than I did. What would I talk about with him? ‘Oh yeah, something really exciting happened the other day, I umm, left the house!’ I’d never say shit like that. (Beat) I don’t leave the house. My parents don’t care, why would they? I have friends. A singular friend. Kenny is the only person who ever comes to see me. At first I thought it was annoying, but you know it grew on me. I’m… (pause) I don’t know how I feel.
He called ‘cause he felt undervalued by me. As my best friend, I guess. I sorta saw it coming. He didn’t need to ramble in my ear for half an hour in his attempt to not make me feel guilty. Kinda ironic. Since Kenny was the one who’s more upset, but there he was, trying to protect my feelings. I guess we’re close enough for him to know I actually have them. There are some things I care about. Like Kay, my turtle… Kenny? Uh. My parents, occasionally. Some book characters.
All of this is beside the point. The point is Kenny repressed the fact that he felt under appreciated in our friendship, until he called. Do I feel bad about how I’ve treated him? I guess. But I can’t help it. It’s so stupid how we can be so self-aware but not do anything about it. I put him out of his misery and just straight up said, “You’re right. I’m gonna hang up now.” I did. Probably wasn’t a very tactful response but, whatever. Should I have added something about how I’m sorry and appreciate him? Probably, I don’t wanna lose him. Would he ever leave me? No, I don’t think so. I know him too well.
He kinda evaded the question, which was a bad sign, because usually people don’t put off good news, in fact, it’s pretty difficult to keep good things under wraps. Kenny wasn’t hiding any secrets from me, he was just bottling up his emotions toward me. And no, not in a romantic way. No one likes me like that. People usually stay clear of me.
We caught up for a bit; he had a lot more to share than I did. What would I talk about with him? ‘Oh yeah, something really exciting happened the other day, I umm, left the house!’ I’d never say shit like that. (Beat) I don’t leave the house. My parents don’t care, why would they? I have friends. A singular friend. Kenny is the only person who ever comes to see me. At first I thought it was annoying, but you know it grew on me. I’m… (pause) I don’t know how I feel.
He called ‘cause he felt undervalued by me. As my best friend, I guess. I sorta saw it coming. He didn’t need to ramble in my ear for half an hour in his attempt to not make me feel guilty. Kinda ironic. Since Kenny was the one who’s more upset, but there he was, trying to protect my feelings. I guess we’re close enough for him to know I actually have them. There are some things I care about. Like Kay, my turtle… Kenny? Uh. My parents, occasionally. Some book characters.
All of this is beside the point. The point is Kenny repressed the fact that he felt under appreciated in our friendship, until he called. Do I feel bad about how I’ve treated him? I guess. But I can’t help it. It’s so stupid how we can be so self-aware but not do anything about it. I put him out of his misery and just straight up said, “You’re right. I’m gonna hang up now.” I did. Probably wasn’t a very tactful response but, whatever. Should I have added something about how I’m sorry and appreciate him? Probably, I don’t wanna lose him. Would he ever leave me? No, I don’t think so. I know him too well.