The Exchange of Power







By: Ashia Hawes-Brown

Artist Background

I am a writer who likes to focus on various forms but poetry is my personal favorite. I tend to focus my pieces on a variety of topics but this portfolio focuses on emotions, heartbreak, recovering and realization. When I was younger, I always had an interest in reading and writing that continued into my years of middle and high school. Writing has allowed me to understand myself while connecting with myself overall.

I am an uprising senior at the Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts. I love meeting new people with different perspectives and sharing common interests. During my free time, I enjoy reading a variety of genres, writing, photography, and taking an interest in new hobbies. I won in the CREC Writes contest in 2018. I am a National Honor Society Member for The Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts. In my future, I plan on becoming a psychologist while continuing my work in writing.

I am a writer who likes to focus on various forms but poetry is my personal favorite. I tend to focus my pieces on a variety of topics but this portfolio focuses on emotions, heartbreak, recovering and realization. When I was younger, I always had an interest in reading and writing that continued into my years of middle and high school. Writing has allowed me to understand myself while connecting with myself overall.

I am an uprising senior at the Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts. I love meeting new people with different perspectives and sharing common interests. During my free time, I enjoy reading a variety of genres, writing, photography, and taking an interest in new hobbies. I won in the CREC Writes contest in 2018. I am a National Honor Society Member for The Greater Hartford Academy of the Arts. In my future, I plan on becoming a psychologist while continuing my work in writing.

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The Power Within

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I stand in the rain; drenched clothes hug my skin as I stare at the dark clouds above.
I thought you could be trusted, I thought you cared about me.
Running towards you expecting to be comforted and loved, only to be turned away again.
This carousel where you hurt me, and I leave only to end up in your arms repeatedly.
But I am getting tired of this ride, this childish game you play.
I am tired of supporting someone who disappears when I need them most, when all my light becomes darkness.
I am tired of the countless nights’ where tears fell from bloodshot eyes, my emotions and thoughts clashed. My only company, the darkness of my room.
I am tired of you using my weaknesses against me, making sure that I would always come back to you. Blaming me for things I had no control over and manipulating my words, to ensure that the power was always out of my reach.

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No longer there to comfort you when your feelings weighed you down.
How I was no longer always by your side.
You thought our distancing was temporary and could be fixed like always.
I could feel your confusion when your usual tricks didn’t make me come crawling back to you, when I didn’t act like you were the center of my world.

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I am tired of this one-sided relationship. I am tired of being treated like a toy, lying around waiting to be of interest. Then thrown to the ground when you’re finished.
I’m done with this; I’m done with you.
I guess you realized sooner than I expected.
How I no longer waited for you to walk together home or in between classes.

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Are you okay? You’ve been very distant lately; did I do something wrong? You’d ask me to hold my hands in yours as if your words held sincere and honest meaning.
Snatching my hands back, mentally rolling my eyes at the hurt expression on your face. I move backwards as you try again to hold my hands.
“I’m fine.” I mumbled continuing to stare at the ground
“Then why are you acting like this, am I not good enough for you?” You question continuing “You need me, you’re nothing without me..”
STOP TALKING! I yelled I don’t need you, what I need is for you to get out of my life. I finish walking away.
I finally could make my own decisions, finally I could live my life without you in the way.
Without you , constantly making me doubt myself, always looking for your approval in everything. Blaming myself whenever something went wrong.
I finally have the control I rightfully deserve over myself, and I never play on losing it again.
Not to you or anyone else.

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No longer there to comfort you when your feelings weighed you down.
How I was no longer always by your side.
You thought our distancing was temporary and could be fixed like always.
I could feel your confusion when your usual tricks didn’t make me come crawling back to you, when I didn’t act like you were the center of my world.

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Are you okay? You’ve been very distant lately; did I do something wrong? You’d ask me to hold my hands in yours as if your words held sincere and honest meaning.
Snatching my hands back, mentally rolling my eyes at the hurt expression on your face. I move backwards as you try again to hold my hands.
“I’m fine.” I mumbled continuing to stare at the ground
“Then why are you acting like this, am I not good enough for you?” You question continuing “You need me, you’re nothing without me..”
STOP TALKING! I yelled I don’t need you, what I need is for you to get out of my life. I finish walking away.
I finally could make my own decisions, finally I could live my life without you in the way.
Without you , constantly making me doubt myself, always looking for your approval in everything. Blaming myself whenever something went wrong.
I finally have the control I rightfully deserve over myself, and I never play on losing it again.
Not to you or anyone else.

Awakening

Did you enjoy playing with me?
Did you enjoy how tightly you had me wrapped around your finger?
Did you enjoy shredding my confidence, engraving my opinions in my brain? 
It must have been fun to always hurt someone knowing they would eventually come back to you.
Until, I found someone new. Someone who actually cared and loved me.
Someone who’s teaching me how love really works.
You thought if you continued to act like you cared then I would yet again come back into your arms.
Those same arms that hurt me too many times.
All those text messages claiming how sorry you were and how you would change.
All those times, you’d show up at my house attempting to buy me back with gifts.
You didn’t really think I would fall for those , did you?
That I hadn’t already figured out the rules of your game? 
Well I did.

My Possession
You were always mine to begin with, mine to play with, mine to hurt.
From the very beginning I could see how easily a target you were.
Always wearing your emotions on your sleeves.
Always aiming to pleasure others, seeking out for constant approval.
Little self-confidence, the perfect combination for possible victim of manipulation.
I knew it would be easy to control you since you already held feelings for me. 
It was fun playing mind games with you. 
The power I held over you that never fainted, even after I continued to hurt you.
All those times, tears would roll down your face because of me. 
Those same tears that I wiped away telling your empty promises.
How interesting it was to see you trying to convince friends and family, that I wasn’t that bad even though they clearly saw through that.
You were so naive, allowing me to be with other girls, finding out long after the affair.
Always running back into my arms no matter how much I put you through.
Even now as I watch you walk away, I know I still have power over you.

My Possession
You were always mine to begin with, mine to play with, mine to hurt.
From the very beginning I could see how easily a target you were.
Always wearing your emotions on your sleeves.
Always aiming to pleasure others, seeking out for constant approval.
Little self-confidence, the perfect combination for possible victim of manipulation.
I knew it would be easy to control you since you already held feelings for me. 
It was fun playing mind games with you. 
The power I held over you that never fainted, even after I continued to hurt you.
All those times, tears would roll down your face because of me. 
Those same tears that I wiped away telling your empty promises.
How interesting it was to see you trying to convince friends and family, that I wasn’t that bad even though they clearly saw through that.
You were so naive, allowing me to be with other girls, finding out long after the affair.
Always running back into my arms no matter how much I put you through.
Even now as I watch you walk away, I know I still have power over you.

The way you flinch when someone touches you and your voice’s volume lowers as you talk.
The way you avoid eye contact and agree with any thought.
I did this to you, I turned you into an obedient pet.
Even now that you moved on, I know that I will always be in your mind.
I will always control you, no matter what, you’ll never be in a place of power.
I made sure of that.

 Questions Without Answers

After all this time, I still wonder if you ever truly loved me. 
If there was ever a time where you genuinely cared about me even if it was short lived.                                  
Was our relationship just an illusion for your sickening entertainment, was it always about what you wanted?
Do you ever think about how our relationship could have been if you truly changed?
Do you think about the things you did to me and the pain they caused?
Do you ever regret how you treated me?
All these questions flood my mind as I can help but wonder the answers.
I wish I could understand why you did what you did, why you hurt me so much.
I wish I could understand how you called those actions love.
Even though I want those answers, I know you are incapable of giving them to me.
And it’s probably for the best knowing, because maybe if I did know...
I wouldn’t have left as probably would had taken the chance of making me 
believe that your actions were out of love.
I wouldn’t realize how there was nothing being gained from this relationship
I wouldn’t have been able to have control over myself
I wouldn’t have power over my life again
And that’s a life I can imagine all too well because of you.

 Questions Without Answers

After all this time, I still wonder if you ever truly loved me. 
If there was ever a time where you genuinely cared about me even if it was short lived.                                  
Was our relationship just an illusion for your sickening entertainment, was it always about what you wanted?
Do you ever think about how our relationship could have been if you truly changed?
Do you think about the things you did to me and the pain they caused?
Do you ever regret how you treated me?
All these questions flood my mind as I can help but wonder the answers.
I wish I could understand why you did what you did, why you hurt me so much.
I wish I could understand how you called those actions love.
Even though I want those answers, I know you are incapable of giving them to me.
And it’s probably for the best knowing, because maybe if I did know...
I wouldn’t have left as probably would had taken the chance of making me 
believe that your actions were out of love.
I wouldn’t realize how there was nothing being gained from this relationship
I wouldn’t have been able to have control over myself
I wouldn’t have power over my life again
And that’s a life I can imagine all too well because of you.

Invincible

You thought that I would never recover, 
that I would never regain the strength you burned to the ground.
You thought you’d left me in so many pieces that I would never be whole again.
You thought I would give up on love entirely, because of the pain you caused.
For one, you were right to think that I would push myself away from love.
As you had failed to realize, I’m human. 
As a human, I’m prone to getting hurt but emotional pain lasts longer than physical pain.
Emotional pain hurts more, and unlike physical pain it usually is inescapable.
There are no alternatives, the more you avoid it the stronger it becomes.
Especially the negative emotions, which engrave themselves in your mind constantly reminding you of the pain they brought.
But I refuse to give you that satisfaction. 
I refuse to allow you to think that I can’t go on because of you.
I refused to let you continue controlling my life, now that you are no longer in it.
It is my turn to be in control, to decide what I’m going to do.
You’re going to see me recover no matter how long it takes me.
I am going to show you that no one can break me down.

The Comfort of Rain

Again,
It’s raining again. But this time, 
there’s no one to make you come inside,
there’s no one to attempt to comfort you
and you are grateful for that,
for finally having some time 
to process this on your own. 
Allowing the raindrops to soak 
your clothes till the fabric darkens,
loosely hugging your skin, 
placing more weight on your body.
The weight is easier to handle
than the problem itself,
How even though he’s gone 
the effect he had on you lingers 
like a bittersweet aftertaste
you just can’t get rid of it.

Wouldn’t it be better if he didn’t exist at all?
is a question you can clearly answer for the pain 
he caused you.
One that will take a long time to heal.
These feelings of hatred may never change in the slightest.